The Newtonian Theory of Editorial Inactivity

Today is Sir Isaac Newton’s birthday. He was born in England in 1643 (that’s according to the Gregorian calendar—it’s December 25, 1642, for those of you still on the Julian system) and grew up to be a genius in physics and mathematics. Newton provided explanations for many physical phenomena, including light, motion, and why I haven’t done much in the past week or so.

Okay, my personal inactivity probably doesn’t rank with other physical phenomena—gravity, for instance—but I’m still prepared to offer a real, science-based explanation for it. Okay, the real explanation involves authors who didn’t have their books ready for me, a nasty head cold, and an excess of Christmas cookies, but that’s just between you and me. The Newtonian explanation is way more interesting and could even be the subject of a future doctoral dissertation.

If you were not too traumatized by your high school physics class, you may remember Newton’s first law of motion:

An object at rest tends to stay at rest and an object in motion tends to stay in motion with the same speed and in the same direction unless acted upon by an unbalanced force.

Now, replace “object” with “editor.” “An editor at rest tends to stay at rest and an editor in motion tends to stay in motion …” This is beautiful. Thank you, Sir Isaac, for formulating such a simple, concise explanation for editorial activity/inactivity.

Perhaps you don’t believe me. Perhaps you’re stuck on the head-cold-and-Christmas-cookie explanation. Oh, ye of little minds.… Listen, when I have 27 things to do in a day, I work like a crazy person and accomplish 24 things. I’m in motion, and I stay in motion all day. When I have two little things to do in a day, I fall asleep. No motion, no accomplishment, zzzzz.… But wait, there’s more! I was in motion last week, until I was acted upon by an unbalanced force in the form of a virus. My speed slowed, my direction changed, and I fell asleep—a lot. No motion, no accomplishment.

I expect the Newtonian Theory of Editorial Inactivity to be controversial at first (such breakthroughs usually are, especially among clients of inactive editors), but in time it will be widely accepted. We’ll find some brilliant mathematician to formulate the Inactivity Equation, and the theory will be featured on the Science Channel.

Today I intend to delve deeper into Newton’s theory by setting myself in motion once again. I should accomplish 24 things (okay, maybe 22) before lunch. Then I’ll fall asleep.