Taking Things Literally

Sometimes editors (and others) can be unimaginative, boring old coots. I was reminded of this uncomfortable fact just moments ago as I was leafing through Miss Thistlebottom’s Hobgoblins (by Theodore M. Bernstein). My little eye fell upon the entry for “land on water,” an innocent and useful phrase that has apparently induced apoplectic fits in some people.

Now, we all know what “land on water” means, don’t we? We don’t have to get all bent out of shape and argue that one can only “land” on land, do we? Perhaps, Bernstein says, we could use “alight on water,” but (as Bernstein also says) that sounds prissy. You certainly wouldn’t say that the crippled Airbus A320 piloted by Chesley “Sully” Sullenberger alighted on the Hudson. A big ol’ Airbus doesn’t alight anywhere. It lands, even on water.

Surely you’ve encountered at least one annoyingly literal-minded person in your life. This would be the guy who laughs when you talk about climbing down a ladder. “Climb” means you’re going up, not down, this person explains. It’s nearly impossible to have normal conversations with such people. Perhaps it’s best to just punch them in the face and be done with it, but I haven’t tried that approach and can’t recommend it. (If you happen to be one of these literal-minded people, please note that the preceding sentence was a joke, not an actual suggestion or threat. Don’t take it literally. And don’t you dare say anything stupid like “Of course I literally have a mind.”)

Bernstein ends the entry like this: “To insist on confining words to their original meanings regardless of the need to accommodate new situations is to handcuff the language.”

Handcuffs are for criminals. Let’s leave them off our living, growing language.